Monday, March 10, 2008

Now that took balls

After a night of heavy drinking, a 31 year old man returned to his gated apartment complex and looked forward to sleeping off his inebriation. As he approached the mechanical gate he realized he did not have his access key.

'No problem', he thought. 'I'll just climb over the six foot metal fence and head for my apartment.' It doesn't take an engineering degree to figure out the spear-head tips are meant to discourage people from climbing upon them. As he prepared to scale the fence, he forgot to consider (3) very important factors:

1. Alcohol consumption impairs balance and agility.
2. Baggy shorts are not ideal for fence climbing.
3. Testicles are fragile and defenseless in the 'straddle' position.

As most you have already guessed, this stunt ended very badly. He made it to the top of the fence but as he attempted to swing one leg over to the other side, he lost his balance and fell. His baggy shorts were snagged and ripped by the pointed fence tip. To his despair, the shorts were not the only thing ripped during the fall. He staggered home, changed into a pair of less bloody underwear, and went to bed.

Twelve hours later, his mother came to check on him after several phone calls to him went unanswered. She found son on the couch unable to move due to the incredible pain. The fire department was summoned and inspected the wound. Fearing post traumatic stress syndrome, I chose not to look at the injury. The firefighter described it as "His nutsack is ripped open, like a filet, and his testicles are falling out."

The guy's mother believed he was the victim of some kind of knife attack from a sexual partner. He insisted the only attacker was the iron fence. His shorts appeared to confirm his version:


At March 11, 2008 9:28 AM, Blogger Thomas said...

Sweet Jesus that is nasty. My parents have a very similar fence that is six feet tall and it impaled the 6 point buck that nearly made it over pretty nicely.
I do not even want to try and imagine my nutsack getting hung on something like that.

You should have pepper sprayed him to help with the pain


At March 11, 2008 12:31 PM, Blogger 5150Wife said...

We used to have one of those fences around our front yard in Cali, except ours was only 4 feet tall. They can be nasty boogers when you fall on them when trying to catch a ball or a frisbie or while rollerblading or...

Think I'll go throw up now.

At March 11, 2008 1:06 PM, Blogger Telebush said...

I lived with a girlfriend in California with the same kind of fence. At any hour of the day or night I would just wait a few minutes and someone would open the gate... no nut-sack tearage necessary.

At March 11, 2008 6:01 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Ok I don't even have balls and my eyes are watering in sympathetic pain on that one. *shudder* I don't blame you for not looking.

At March 12, 2008 7:47 AM, Blogger Jason said...

Same old story. I rather liked the one about the drug dealer who tried diving over a fence and got caught in the jewels.

At March 13, 2008 3:28 PM, Blogger lyle said...

my ex-girlfriend's brother tried to hop a fence just like this to a state fair, slipped, and the stake drove into his leg and a foot downwards in it... got about an inch away from his femoral artery and was that close to killing him.

just to save himself $5.

At March 13, 2008 3:33 PM, Blogger lyle said...

oh, and i don't blame you for not wanting to see the carnage. i know someone who's an outreach worker for the mentally ill. she went to check up on a client who wasn't in contact and off his meds, she showed up and turns out he had gangrenous and swollen testicles that were the size of mangos. the smell was so bad she almost passed out. yeah, that bad. anyway, she calls 911, waits in the lobby of his building, the fire truck shows up, they walk in.. she tells them the story, and they all refuse to go up and turn around and get back in their truck, and leave it up to the paramedics.

At March 16, 2008 9:41 PM, Blogger Aileen said...

WOW! That makes me light headed just thinking about that. He must have been incredibly drunk to have not felt enough pain or concern to have the boys looked at immediately. Bet he was wishing that buzz hadn't warn off by morning.

At March 20, 2008 5:05 AM, Anonymous Phxdevil said...

that was really bad, it made me be in pain. Sadly i have seen worse.


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