I'm Back

Since it's been almost a month since my last post, I'll try to catch up with a collection of miscellaneous items.

Here's an anti-theft device (the Club) placed on the steering wheel of a 75 year old woman's Suburban SUV to prevent her 45 year 0ld live-in son from driving drunk. You see, son likes to drink a lot and his sales position at Sears doesn't pay quite enough for him to move out of mom's house and buy booze. Somehow, son was able to drive the Suburban to the nearest Circle K to try to buy more booze. The clerks refused to sell the intoxicated driver any more alcohol so he got back into the vehicle to drive home. Unfortunately for him, the club device prevented him from backing out of the parking space so he inched forward and backward for about 20 minutes until an astute citizen decided it might be a good idea for the police to check this guy out. With a breathalyzer reading of almost 4 times the legal limit, we found a new place for him to spend the night.

LAZY NEIGHBOR

A man came home after work and noticed his elderly neighbor's front door slightly ajar. He walked up to the entry way and yelled her name. After receiving no reply, he feared for her welfare and called police to check on her. He was afraid to go in himself and when I pushed open the front door I understood why. Perhaps the dozens of boxes stacked in the front courtyard from QVC and Home Shopping Network should have been my warning. Most of the boxes appeared unopened and were stacked to the ceiling. A glance inside the house revealed an even more puzzling sight. Hundreds of clothing items lined the hallway still in plastic and with price tags still on. Other rooms were piled with various cases, boxes, crates, and other packages of all kinds of merchandise. The living room, dining room, and one bedroom were unusable due to the stacks of mostly unopened boxes. I announced myself loudly several times and was starting to believe the woman was under a deep sleep or worse. In the master bedroom I peered over a wall of items and saw a large, elderly, topless woman lying on her side watching a baseball game on T.V.

"Whatta you want?", she calmly asked.

"I'm here to check on you. Your neighbor saw your door open and tried calling you on the phone. When you didn't answer he called for help.", I replied.

"He's an asshole."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"
"Why didn't you answer when I shouted police and came into your house?"

"I's watchin TV."

She was too preoccupied or too lazy to bother putting on a shirt and made no attempt to conceal herself. I was curious about the thousands of dollars worth of merchandise all over her house but concluded it was no use asking her about it.

As I finished the trite conversation I silently wondered why all the topless women I come into contact with are overweight, overconfident, and over 60. Where are all the attractive exhibitionists and why aren't they ever in need of police assistance?

CRAZY NEIGHBOR

A man called police after his 45 year old daughter threatened to kill him. Apparently she's had some mental issues and has been arrested many times for weapons violations in the past. A mental health evaluation team wanted to interview her and asked for police assistance. As we neared her house, her father advised us she had numerous firearms, body armor, and was going to kill anyone that tried to get into her house. I met with other officers and a Seargant down the street to formulate a plan. A supervisor with the SWAT team was nearby and decided it would be a good opportunity for his teams to get some experience. My role was downgraded to traffic control while two fully geared tactical SWAT teams surrounded her house. The power, water and gas was shut off and her vehicle disabled. As the teams took their positions and prepared to make contact (and/or force entry into the house). The woman ranted and raved and came to her door several times before being coaxed out by the negotiator without incident. No guns or body armor was recovered but it was better to play it safe.