Monday, February 12, 2007

Love Thy Neighbor, and, Thank you, 'Sir'.

A man called 911 and reported, "I just hit someone over the head with a bottle and he's bleeding real bad-send someone quick."

I arrived at the house to find a very drunk 40 year old male standing in the front yard of his house. I asked him what happened but he was unwilling to tell me anything. He kept saying, "I don't know." I asked him why he called 911 and he just looked at me and shrugged.

Then a large bald man came staggering from around the back side of his house. His head was smeared with blood and I could see a large gash on the back of his head. Chunks of coagulated blood were clinging to his shirt sleeves like spilled red pudding. I couldn't tell if his confused stupor was the result of too many beers or the head injury. "What happened?", I asked. "Nothing, why are you here?", he replied. I told him to look at his blood smeared hands, bloody shirt and oozing head wound. He kept wiping his head with his hands and acted surprised to see his fingers dripping with blood. The fire department arrived and began treating him at the scene.

Then the story came out: Bloody man came over to his neighbor's house for a night of companionship. There's nothing like a few cases of beer and a backyard shack to bring neighbors together. After both men were good and hammered, one decided he could no longer keep his true feelings for his friend a secret and declared his love for him. The recipient of this adoration was not pleased and told him he was not interested. When loverboy touched him on the leg and whispered, "I care for you, man." he could take no more and smashed a large wine bottle over the back of his head. The romantic mood was ruined as the pool of blood gushing from his head pooled on the floor and became an instant snack for the litter of underfed puppies cohabitating in the shack. Luckily, this was not a homicide, for the evidence was quickly disposed of by a half dozen puppy tongues.

The bottle wielding party pooper was placed in custody but soon released after the victim refused to press charges. They say love is blind and I guess that's true (especially when one's eyes are saturated with the stinging of salty blood). The guy thought it was perfectly acceptable to smash someone's skull in for making an unwanted romantic gesture. I tried to explain that physical force is only legally justified when defending against a harmful attack (not a loving one).
I returned to the victim to check on his progress with the paramedics. As he sat in a lawn chair with a mile of gauze wrapped around his bloody head, he gazed wantingly at a firefighter and and said, "Hey, Baby. How are you tonight?"

I guess it will take more than a smashed skull to teach this guy not to come onto other men without first checking on their sexual orientation.

While eating with my squadmates at a local cajun restaurant, I spotted former NBA All-Star Charles "Sir Charles" Barkly dining with his beautiful wife and another couple. One of the guys on my squad walked by their table and said hello on his way to the restroom. Our appetites were well sated by the delicious gumbo, jumbalya, red beans and rice, pulled-pork po' boy sandwiches, and chicken wings. We got our cash and credit cards ready as the waitress approached. "No need, officers. Charles Barkley already paid for your tab." Sir Charles had already left so we were unable to give him a proper thanks. I always liked this guy and believe his title of 'Sir' is well deserved.


At February 13, 2007 5:40 AM, Blogger Craig D said...

Quite a heart-warming story - and just in time for Valentines's day!

Do you always let strange men buy you dinner? Just kidding - that was pretty cool of CB!

At February 13, 2007 8:27 AM, Blogger Brandon said...

Classy move by Mr. Charles, hopefully that victim learns his lesson before someone attacks or kills him for making unwanted advances.

At February 13, 2007 9:01 AM, Blogger Aileen said...

I found a link to your site from a friends website and I always look forward to reading your posts. I hope you don't mind that I added a link to your blog on my blog. My friends have enjoyed your site as well. Stay safe.

At February 13, 2007 1:08 PM, Blogger Thomas said...

I always liked Sir Charles when he played here in Houston.
Loud yes, but honest.
He didn't act any different that he is.

Glad to hear you got a free lunch out of him. Makes me proud to see people who appreciate law enforcement.

Oh yeah, Congrats on the ticket.
Nothing like the Rich facing justice just like us poor slobs.

At February 13, 2007 5:44 PM, Anonymous gamma said...

Sir Charles, huh? Remember 20 years ago, when you got his autograph at a local night club, and then gave it to your little sister for Christmas? Your other story was too creepy to comment on.

At February 13, 2007 9:12 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Boy when that guy came out he did it to everybody!

That was a wonderful thing that C.B. did.

Happy Valentine's Day!

At February 14, 2007 7:31 AM, Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Two great stories of love and generosity for Valentine's Day!

Moral of the stories? Maybe Romeo should have tried buying his neighbor some cajun food before puttng the moves on him. LOL

Here's a wish for you... from far beyond the beat.

At February 14, 2007 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Chunks of coagulated blood were clinging to his shirt sleeves like spilled red pudding."
Actually, that's CONGEALED blood. Coagulated blood is "scab" blood.
Ask your medical examiner to cut out someone's heart and explain the difference. And Happy Valentine's Day.

At February 14, 2007 11:12 AM, Blogger Officer Gary said...

I concede CONGEAL is probably a better term but since it's definition is 'to coagulate; jell' I won't consider my original word choice to be wrong. If you posted anonymously to avoid a backlash, fear not for I take no offense at being corrected.

At February 15, 2007 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I'm from Philly too and always liked Charles Barkley. Once saw him at a local movie theatre, enjoying a matinee. Glad he picked up your tab. Toni


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