Sunday, January 14, 2007

To Be or Not To Be (Crazy)

My partner and I responded to an apartment complex to find a woman on the ground floor yelling at some neighbors on the floor above her. She was angrily shouting at them for ruining her stuff. We asked her what the problem was and she walked into her apartment to show us the damage.

"Those people break all my stuff. They came in here and broke my can opener. See, it won't work -they ruined it."

As she complains, I watch her repeatedly try to press the manual can opener onto the can. Only, the can is upside-down and the rounded edge on the bottom is causing the can opener to slip off.

"The can is upside down.", I tell her. "Turn it over."

She turns the can over and is immediately able to close the can opener, puncture the lid and begin opening it.

"Well, they broke my other can opener too.", she insisted. She holds up a different manual can opener which appears to be fine. "Let me see you try it.", I ask.

She places the other can opener on the can and, again, is immediately able to open it.

"They came in and fixed it 'cause they don't want to get arrested. They call me crazy but I ain't crazy. They snuck in and changed my ice cube tray. I had to throw it away."

True Love:
The other day, I arrived at a seedy apartment complex to take a theft report. I was met by a woman who told me her boyfriend stole $300 out of her purse while she took a shower.

"Okay, what's your boyfriend's name.", I ask.
"They call him 'Bone'."
"I need his first and last name."
"I don't know, he told me he wasf Muslim but I can't say it or spell it."
"He's your boyfriend but you don't know his name?"
"He's called 'Bone', I told you."
"How did he come to be your boyfriend?"
"I met him in Santa Fe (New Mexico) a week ago. He just got out of prison and he told me he didn't have anywhere to stay so I asjed him to come to Arizona with me."
"Do you think it was a good idea to live with a guy who just got out of prison whose name you don't know?"
"Well, he said we's gonna kick it."
(I have to admit: This girl had a pretty good reason to allow this man into her life. I mean, what better foundation for a genuine relationship than the promise of 'kickin' it? I also compliment her mastery of the English language. I was unaware there existed a contraction for 'we is'.)
"All right, I'll enter this report in the system and see if we can locate him. There's a possibility we may not be able to find him, though, since he never lived in this state and we don't have his name, address, or birth date."


At January 14, 2007 2:53 PM, Blogger Jason said...

Sounds like da hood. That's how they roll dawg!

At January 14, 2007 3:36 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LOL! Boy these people make me feel like a freaking genius!

At January 14, 2007 3:41 PM, Blogger Brandon said...

LOL, never underestimate the ability of your fellow man to butcher the English language.

At January 14, 2007 4:53 PM, Blogger Dirk_Star said...

When you become a detective, and I'm sure you will, would you please work on solving the mystery of how people can be so stupid?

For the love of god...

At January 14, 2007 6:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How funny. Link me when you get a chance.

At January 15, 2007 11:56 AM, Blogger Craig D said...

Bone Ingnorant!

Thanks for the laughs...

At January 15, 2007 3:11 PM, Blogger Kimmy753 said...


At January 15, 2007 3:24 PM, Anonymous LC said...

Don't know how you dont' start wondering and the future of this world. I hope these freeks are just a small portion of the world.

At January 18, 2007 7:06 AM, Anonymous ronda said...

Fo Shizzle... Bone is fo Rizzle

At January 20, 2007 6:35 AM, Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

So that's why my can opener isn't working! Gee, thanks, Officer Gary!

These people sound like they're in training for winning a Darwin Award...


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