BREAKING NEWS!!

For those of you in the valley, I have some good news-

The serial shooter has been captured. Actually, it appears to be serial shooters. Similar to the Washington D.C. snipers, it appears to be a pair of men who have terrorizing the streets of surrounding cities shooting dogs, horses, and people. Someone who knew them found the $100,000 reward too tempting and turned them in.

All of this has not yet been confirmed but I heard from some reliable sources they're pretty sure they have the right guys. Hopefully by the time you read this, the story will have broken on the conventional news stations.

Now, if only we could close in on the other serial killer.

Also, I met Jesus tonight at the Maricopa County Jail. The self-proclaimed Messiah was a 35 year old black woman that wouldn't stop screaming about the 3 billion dollars in cash the police stole from her convertible Jaguar. I told her nobody drives around with $3,000,000,000 in cash anymore. She screamingly replied, "No sh**, motherfu**er, cause all you fat fu** police officers be trying to steal my sh**.... I'm Jesus Christ." I told her I didn't think the real Jesus Christ would speak to me that way. Her reply: "You motherfu**ers been trying to raise white children for centuries and you can't even figure out how to stop them from getting the motherfu**ing flu. So there police bitches. Next time you take my money I'll kick all your asses."

The other prisoners in the jail's holding area were very amused and started chuckling. I warned them not to laugh just in case she turned out to be the real thing. I'm pretty sure she was crazy but I think the ancient Romans learned a valuable lesson about mocking those who claim to be the son of God.